Understanding Ourselves in Intimate Relationships
Intimacy…we search for it and we run from it. We yearn for it and we sabotage it. We want to be deeply seen and yet we
hide our thoughts and feelings. Understanding the fears associated with the vulnerability of intimacy can help us make
more conscious choices in our relationships. The following is my take on five fears of intimacy which were first delineated by
Larry B. Feldman.
Fear of merger. Merging is the experience of actually losing ourselves as we become one with the other person—not
knowing where our own body and self ends and the other person begins. The merging experience in sexual lovemaking or
other peak intimate experiences is very pleasurable…we yearn for it. However, we may also fear that the other person will
become too influential in our lives and, thereby, cause us to lose our own identities or control over our lives. We worry
about losing our freedom or staying true to ourselves while, simultaneously, experiencing a strong pull to be what our loved
one wants us to be. This fear is manifested in power struggles over who controls whom and what. It is expressed in several
ways, i.e., “Don’t fence me in” or “I don’t have to answer to you, you’re not my mother/father”. One of the most difficult tasks
in relationship-building is to communicate and negotiate so that both people are able to maintain identity and integrity.
Fear of abandonment. As intimacy develops in a relationship, a person receives more and more support and pleasure
from the other person. The idea of losing that person seems intolerable. The fear is further aggravated by
disappointments in previous love relationships. This fear may cause us to vow to avoid deep love relationships in order to
avoid further pain. In a relationship, this fear causes us to be jealous, clingy, submissive, or controlling through
manipulation or violence.
Fear of Exposure. We let our intimate partner know us…and whether we want them to or not, they simply see
us…character flaws and all, causing us to fear their rejection or judgment. We see our own faults more clearly as we see
ourselves through our partner’s eyes. If these faults are aspects of ourselves we don’t want to face or accept, we
experience an intense desire to reject this awareness and/or the intimate partner who is seeing or telling us about this flaw.
It is so much easier to ignore our shortcomings when we are not in an intimate relationship.
Fear of Attack. This is the fear of being physically or emotionally hurt. It may be a realistic reaction to a real danger or it
may be a projection based on past attacks. Physical abuse is an obvious cause of fear of attack; emotional abuse is more
subtle. The attack can be overt as in name-calling or obvious criticism or it can be covert as in sarcastic or passive-
aggressive comments or behaviors. Attacks by intimate partner are particularly painful because we rely on them to be our
ally and supporter.
Fear of One’ Own Destructive Impulses. Disappointments in love relationships, from childhood on, can result inan
underlying anger or rage that may come closer to consciousness as intimacy…and its resultant vulnerability… increases.
As we allow ourselves to be more intimate, the vulnerability can precipitate anxiety, fear and anger. Anger oozes out in
surprising ways…nit picking or exploding for no apparent reason or with no present provocation. We may fear losing
control and hurting the other person emotionally or physically.
The more we see how these fears are showing up in our lives and how we came to react this way, the more choice we have
in determining our ability to be intimate. I am offering a workshop, Enhancing Your Intimacy Potential, on April 21 to help
people identify and heal their fears of intimacy. Using information, a fear of intimacy questionnaire and numerous healing
experiences, participants will develop their own intimacy enhancement plan. For more information see the ad in this paper
or contact info@patsheehan.org. I wish you all the love your heart can hold!
War-Torn Hearts
War tears people away from each other as it tears at their hearts, minds and souls. In my 27 years of counseling at the
Indianapolis VA Medical Center, I saw first-hand the impact of war trauma on thousands of veterans their partners and
relationships. I also learned that, with an understanding of traumatic stress and the courage to face their fears, healing is
possible. I was a seasoned therapist when, in 1980, I was asked to consult with the staff of the newly-opened Vet Center.
They wanted help with the combat veterans’ relationship issues. With years of helping alcoholic couples rebuild their
relationships, I wrongfully assumed that I had the necessary skills. It was a humbling, painful, and incredibly rewarding
experience. While the couples’ love for each other was apparent, they would inevitably sabotage the intimacy in the
relationship. Unable to stay emotionally close; they would either pick a fight or emotionally shut down. While counseling
helped them see what they were doing, they could not stop the destructive behaviors.
Confused about what was going on, I decided to focus on relationship issues of Vietnam veteran couples for my doctoral
dissertation. Although the literature search produced little on couple work with veteran couples, I did find an article by a
psychiatrist, Larry Feldman describing five general fears of intimacy…fears common to us all and yet I immediately saw how
combat trauma would exacerbate these fears. The following is my interpretation of these fears and the impact of war
trauma.
Fear of merger is the fear of losing yourself in your relationship… the fear of losing your freedom, identity, and/or control
over your own life. The military has powerful control over soldiers’ lives….their freedom is very restricted. Both entering the
military and being in war changes people’s identity. No longer civilians, they see and do things far beyond our civilian
experience and, as a result, are forever changed. They are pushed and push themselves to their physical, emotional and
spiritual edges. Encountering terror and death challenges their values. They become aware of their capacity for doing
great good as in being willing to risk their lives to help others. They also become aware of their shadow…their dark side as
they do or don’t do things that will haunt them forever. Therefore, many veterans remain resistant and afraid to let anyone
or anything influence them again. Convinced that allowing others to do so can be devastating, they are afraid to trust or let
anyone else have an impact on them. They feel a strong need to think for themselves and not lose themselves in anything
again. To merge, one must be willing to let another person affect one’s thinking and feeling—to let go of control
occasionally. Many war veterans are not willing to do that.
Fear of abandonment is the fear of losing the loved one. War is rife with abandonment. Soldiers can feel abandoned by
the system when they don’t receive the equipment they need or are required to stay in Iraq beyond expected discharge
date. War is sloppy and this fact intensifies the bonds and intimacy among soldiers. They become fully present to each
other in ways that are rare in everyday stateside life. Their lives depend on each other to be there and be present. The
death of a cohort has a powerful emotional impact. Having been changed by the horror of seeing dead and maimed
bodies, killing and coming face to face with death, veterans are unable or unwilling to easily fit back into “life as usual” in
America. Life here seems superficial, pale and petty….indeed it often is. Therefore, homecoming is usually more difficult
than anticipated and the inability to connect can feel like abandonment. The unfortunate fact that many relationships end
during or after deployment is an obvious abandonment.
Fear of exposure is the fear that we will not be accepted if the other really knows us. In war, soldiers do things that others
cannot easily understand or accept. Knowing this, veterans are afraid tell anyone. These secrets can become a terrible
burden often leading to a chronic sense of shame or guilt. In addition, Veterans often experience survivor guilt…unable to
come to peace with the fact that they survived and others did not.
Fear of attack is the fear of being hurt physically or emotionally. In Iraq, attack can come from anyone and happen
anywhere. It is not safe to let your guard down. This necessary war zone hypervigilance causes a myriad of problems,
especially with trust in relationships when they are unconsciously hyper-alert or suspicious at home.
Fear of your own destructive impulses is the fear of your ability and willingness to hurt others. War brings out tremendous
fear and rage. People are destructive in ways that they never would have imagined themselves capable. They then fear
that they will “lose it” at home. This was the highest fear of the veterans in my study even though they had not physically
hurt anyone in the many years they had been home.
The study showed that combat trauma had a powerful effect on fears of intimacy and that these fears, in turn, were the
major factors in the decrease in intimacy. Therefore, to enhance intimacy they needed to first deal with the fears that were
caused by the war trauma. Then, and only then, could the veterans feel safe enough to open their hearts. This helped
explain why exercises to build intimacy without first dealing with the fears had failed. Rebuilding the intimacy requires
discovering, facing and healing the wounds to the heart, mind and soul. Otherwise, the vulnerability of being deeply seen
and known is unbearable and the person will block intimacy by shutting down, emotionally attacking the other or leaving.
My colleagues throughout the country tell me they are now seeing the same emotional issues that we saw with Vietnam
veterans. The arena is different; the impact of war on the veteran and their families is the same. Forearmed with
knowledge about how combat trauma affects veterans in their relationships, the couples and those caring about them can
have more success as they wind though the maze of confusion, silence and pain that is common in reunited couples and in
veterans trying to start a new relationship. I hope my journey with these brave souls will help others understand.
Counseling, spiritual direction or support groups can help. The Vet Center’s are good resources. In addition to traditional
counseling, I found metaphors, Hakomi techniques and the energy psychology approach, Emotional Freedom Technique
(EFT) to be very effective. Once the fear was addressed, energy sharing techniques in which people could safely
experience the soul-to-soul connection and other intimacy-building approaches allowed them to be more intimate.
My hope is that people get the needed help soon so they can experience the love they so richly deserve. These veterans
have so much to offer the rest of us. They have the depth and wisdom that comes from facing the unspeakable. Let’s help
them feel safe and accepted as they re-enter their relationships and communities…allowing them to unite their wisdom with
an open heart and be a great gift to us. Let’s help them come home.
Judaism and Sexuality
After 27 years at the VA Medical Center, most of which I served as Coordinator of the Family Program on the Alcohol and
Drug Program and Team Leader of the Stress Management Trainers, I embarked on a second doctoral program at Indiana
University School of Nursing. My chosen area of interest was the interface of spirituality and sexuality and I wanted to
become proficient in qualitative research. Then Spirit came into play. A dear friend who was studying to be a rabbi at
Hebrew Union College in Jerusalem invited me to stay with her giving me the opportunity to attend a few classes and to
interview and talk with faculty, rabbinical students and staff at Hebrew Union College and other Jewish people in the Old
City. This prompted me to focus my research on Judaism and Sexuality and I continued interviewing Jewish women in
Indianapolis.
As I read and re-read my interviews, Dangerous Blessing emerged as the best descriptor of Jewish people’s conception of
sexuality. Using grounded theory methods to analyze transcriptions of the audio-taped interviews, I found that the data
demonstrated that Jewish women experience themselves as living in a world of sexual dichotomy: a world where sex is
viewed both as a natural goodness and as a danger or evil.
The data suggest that Jewish people emphasize responsibility as the method to manage the Dangerous Blessing
(sexuality). It also appears that sexuality and responsibility contribute to loving relationships that can create an opening for
experiences of Divinity, which can be experienced as two lovers merging or as the presence of a Divine Being with them
during sexual lovemaking.
Four categories emerged in this grounded theory project, which resulted in a preliminary theoretical framework for
understanding how Jewish people manage sexuality. The theoretical framework is: Jewish people manage the Dangerous
Blessing by Teaching and Learning Responsibility, thereby Promoting Loving Relationships that create the opening for
Bringing in the Divine. The names of the four categories are capitalized and underlined.
The focus on responsibility rather than guilt and shame, unfortunately for us, contrasts significantly from my Catholic
experience and my observations and reports about several other Christian denominations’ approach to sexuality. I have
presented my findings in Indianapolis, at a synagogue in Brooklyn, at the International Congress on Women's Health Issues
and I plan to continue my research both with Jews and with Irish Catholics in America and Ireland. If you are interested in
being interviewed, please contact me at
info@patsheehan.org
Intimacy…we search for it and we run from it. We yearn for it and we sabotage it. We want to be deeply seen and yet we
hide our thoughts and feelings. Understanding the fears associated with the vulnerability of intimacy can help us make
more conscious choices in our relationships. The following is my take on five fears of intimacy which were first delineated by
Larry B. Feldman.
Fear of merger. Merging is the experience of actually losing ourselves as we become one with the other person—not
knowing where our own body and self ends and the other person begins. The merging experience in sexual lovemaking or
other peak intimate experiences is very pleasurable…we yearn for it. However, we may also fear that the other person will
become too influential in our lives and, thereby, cause us to lose our own identities or control over our lives. We worry
about losing our freedom or staying true to ourselves while, simultaneously, experiencing a strong pull to be what our loved
one wants us to be. This fear is manifested in power struggles over who controls whom and what. It is expressed in several
ways, i.e., “Don’t fence me in” or “I don’t have to answer to you, you’re not my mother/father”. One of the most difficult tasks
in relationship-building is to communicate and negotiate so that both people are able to maintain identity and integrity.
Fear of abandonment. As intimacy develops in a relationship, a person receives more and more support and pleasure
from the other person. The idea of losing that person seems intolerable. The fear is further aggravated by
disappointments in previous love relationships. This fear may cause us to vow to avoid deep love relationships in order to
avoid further pain. In a relationship, this fear causes us to be jealous, clingy, submissive, or controlling through
manipulation or violence.
Fear of Exposure. We let our intimate partner know us…and whether we want them to or not, they simply see
us…character flaws and all, causing us to fear their rejection or judgment. We see our own faults more clearly as we see
ourselves through our partner’s eyes. If these faults are aspects of ourselves we don’t want to face or accept, we
experience an intense desire to reject this awareness and/or the intimate partner who is seeing or telling us about this flaw.
It is so much easier to ignore our shortcomings when we are not in an intimate relationship.
Fear of Attack. This is the fear of being physically or emotionally hurt. It may be a realistic reaction to a real danger or it
may be a projection based on past attacks. Physical abuse is an obvious cause of fear of attack; emotional abuse is more
subtle. The attack can be overt as in name-calling or obvious criticism or it can be covert as in sarcastic or passive-
aggressive comments or behaviors. Attacks by intimate partner are particularly painful because we rely on them to be our
ally and supporter.
Fear of One’ Own Destructive Impulses. Disappointments in love relationships, from childhood on, can result inan
underlying anger or rage that may come closer to consciousness as intimacy…and its resultant vulnerability… increases.
As we allow ourselves to be more intimate, the vulnerability can precipitate anxiety, fear and anger. Anger oozes out in
surprising ways…nit picking or exploding for no apparent reason or with no present provocation. We may fear losing
control and hurting the other person emotionally or physically.
The more we see how these fears are showing up in our lives and how we came to react this way, the more choice we have
in determining our ability to be intimate. I am offering a workshop, Enhancing Your Intimacy Potential, on April 21 to help
people identify and heal their fears of intimacy. Using information, a fear of intimacy questionnaire and numerous healing
experiences, participants will develop their own intimacy enhancement plan. For more information see the ad in this paper
or contact info@patsheehan.org. I wish you all the love your heart can hold!
War-Torn Hearts
War tears people away from each other as it tears at their hearts, minds and souls. In my 27 years of counseling at the
Indianapolis VA Medical Center, I saw first-hand the impact of war trauma on thousands of veterans their partners and
relationships. I also learned that, with an understanding of traumatic stress and the courage to face their fears, healing is
possible. I was a seasoned therapist when, in 1980, I was asked to consult with the staff of the newly-opened Vet Center.
They wanted help with the combat veterans’ relationship issues. With years of helping alcoholic couples rebuild their
relationships, I wrongfully assumed that I had the necessary skills. It was a humbling, painful, and incredibly rewarding
experience. While the couples’ love for each other was apparent, they would inevitably sabotage the intimacy in the
relationship. Unable to stay emotionally close; they would either pick a fight or emotionally shut down. While counseling
helped them see what they were doing, they could not stop the destructive behaviors.
Confused about what was going on, I decided to focus on relationship issues of Vietnam veteran couples for my doctoral
dissertation. Although the literature search produced little on couple work with veteran couples, I did find an article by a
psychiatrist, Larry Feldman describing five general fears of intimacy…fears common to us all and yet I immediately saw how
combat trauma would exacerbate these fears. The following is my interpretation of these fears and the impact of war
trauma.
Fear of merger is the fear of losing yourself in your relationship… the fear of losing your freedom, identity, and/or control
over your own life. The military has powerful control over soldiers’ lives….their freedom is very restricted. Both entering the
military and being in war changes people’s identity. No longer civilians, they see and do things far beyond our civilian
experience and, as a result, are forever changed. They are pushed and push themselves to their physical, emotional and
spiritual edges. Encountering terror and death challenges their values. They become aware of their capacity for doing
great good as in being willing to risk their lives to help others. They also become aware of their shadow…their dark side as
they do or don’t do things that will haunt them forever. Therefore, many veterans remain resistant and afraid to let anyone
or anything influence them again. Convinced that allowing others to do so can be devastating, they are afraid to trust or let
anyone else have an impact on them. They feel a strong need to think for themselves and not lose themselves in anything
again. To merge, one must be willing to let another person affect one’s thinking and feeling—to let go of control
occasionally. Many war veterans are not willing to do that.
Fear of abandonment is the fear of losing the loved one. War is rife with abandonment. Soldiers can feel abandoned by
the system when they don’t receive the equipment they need or are required to stay in Iraq beyond expected discharge
date. War is sloppy and this fact intensifies the bonds and intimacy among soldiers. They become fully present to each
other in ways that are rare in everyday stateside life. Their lives depend on each other to be there and be present. The
death of a cohort has a powerful emotional impact. Having been changed by the horror of seeing dead and maimed
bodies, killing and coming face to face with death, veterans are unable or unwilling to easily fit back into “life as usual” in
America. Life here seems superficial, pale and petty….indeed it often is. Therefore, homecoming is usually more difficult
than anticipated and the inability to connect can feel like abandonment. The unfortunate fact that many relationships end
during or after deployment is an obvious abandonment.
Fear of exposure is the fear that we will not be accepted if the other really knows us. In war, soldiers do things that others
cannot easily understand or accept. Knowing this, veterans are afraid tell anyone. These secrets can become a terrible
burden often leading to a chronic sense of shame or guilt. In addition, Veterans often experience survivor guilt…unable to
come to peace with the fact that they survived and others did not.
Fear of attack is the fear of being hurt physically or emotionally. In Iraq, attack can come from anyone and happen
anywhere. It is not safe to let your guard down. This necessary war zone hypervigilance causes a myriad of problems,
especially with trust in relationships when they are unconsciously hyper-alert or suspicious at home.
Fear of your own destructive impulses is the fear of your ability and willingness to hurt others. War brings out tremendous
fear and rage. People are destructive in ways that they never would have imagined themselves capable. They then fear
that they will “lose it” at home. This was the highest fear of the veterans in my study even though they had not physically
hurt anyone in the many years they had been home.
The study showed that combat trauma had a powerful effect on fears of intimacy and that these fears, in turn, were the
major factors in the decrease in intimacy. Therefore, to enhance intimacy they needed to first deal with the fears that were
caused by the war trauma. Then, and only then, could the veterans feel safe enough to open their hearts. This helped
explain why exercises to build intimacy without first dealing with the fears had failed. Rebuilding the intimacy requires
discovering, facing and healing the wounds to the heart, mind and soul. Otherwise, the vulnerability of being deeply seen
and known is unbearable and the person will block intimacy by shutting down, emotionally attacking the other or leaving.
My colleagues throughout the country tell me they are now seeing the same emotional issues that we saw with Vietnam
veterans. The arena is different; the impact of war on the veteran and their families is the same. Forearmed with
knowledge about how combat trauma affects veterans in their relationships, the couples and those caring about them can
have more success as they wind though the maze of confusion, silence and pain that is common in reunited couples and in
veterans trying to start a new relationship. I hope my journey with these brave souls will help others understand.
Counseling, spiritual direction or support groups can help. The Vet Center’s are good resources. In addition to traditional
counseling, I found metaphors, Hakomi techniques and the energy psychology approach, Emotional Freedom Technique
(EFT) to be very effective. Once the fear was addressed, energy sharing techniques in which people could safely
experience the soul-to-soul connection and other intimacy-building approaches allowed them to be more intimate.
My hope is that people get the needed help soon so they can experience the love they so richly deserve. These veterans
have so much to offer the rest of us. They have the depth and wisdom that comes from facing the unspeakable. Let’s help
them feel safe and accepted as they re-enter their relationships and communities…allowing them to unite their wisdom with
an open heart and be a great gift to us. Let’s help them come home.
Judaism and Sexuality
After 27 years at the VA Medical Center, most of which I served as Coordinator of the Family Program on the Alcohol and
Drug Program and Team Leader of the Stress Management Trainers, I embarked on a second doctoral program at Indiana
University School of Nursing. My chosen area of interest was the interface of spirituality and sexuality and I wanted to
become proficient in qualitative research. Then Spirit came into play. A dear friend who was studying to be a rabbi at
Hebrew Union College in Jerusalem invited me to stay with her giving me the opportunity to attend a few classes and to
interview and talk with faculty, rabbinical students and staff at Hebrew Union College and other Jewish people in the Old
City. This prompted me to focus my research on Judaism and Sexuality and I continued interviewing Jewish women in
Indianapolis.
As I read and re-read my interviews, Dangerous Blessing emerged as the best descriptor of Jewish people’s conception of
sexuality. Using grounded theory methods to analyze transcriptions of the audio-taped interviews, I found that the data
demonstrated that Jewish women experience themselves as living in a world of sexual dichotomy: a world where sex is
viewed both as a natural goodness and as a danger or evil.
The data suggest that Jewish people emphasize responsibility as the method to manage the Dangerous Blessing
(sexuality). It also appears that sexuality and responsibility contribute to loving relationships that can create an opening for
experiences of Divinity, which can be experienced as two lovers merging or as the presence of a Divine Being with them
during sexual lovemaking.
Four categories emerged in this grounded theory project, which resulted in a preliminary theoretical framework for
understanding how Jewish people manage sexuality. The theoretical framework is: Jewish people manage the Dangerous
Blessing by Teaching and Learning Responsibility, thereby Promoting Loving Relationships that create the opening for
Bringing in the Divine. The names of the four categories are capitalized and underlined.
The focus on responsibility rather than guilt and shame, unfortunately for us, contrasts significantly from my Catholic
experience and my observations and reports about several other Christian denominations’ approach to sexuality. I have
presented my findings in Indianapolis, at a synagogue in Brooklyn, at the International Congress on Women's Health Issues
and I plan to continue my research both with Jews and with Irish Catholics in America and Ireland. If you are interested in
being interviewed, please contact me at
info@patsheehan.org
Publications & Writings
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| Pat Sheehan Body and Spirit Studio 7842 Melbourne Road Indianapolis, IN 46268 317-872-6646 info@patsheehan.org |
Loving Spirits ~ Pat Sheehan
By Pat Sheehan
Tantra Retreats and Workshops
Ipsalu Tantra Kriya Yoga was developed by Bodhi Avinasha by combining the art and science of tantra yoga, kriya yoga
and western psychology. It involves techniques to unite spiritual and sexual energies to facilitate the mastery of sexual,
emotional and mental states. Bodhi developed a specific five-step formula that enhances the ability to experience and
move spiritual/sexual energy. The formula consists of techniques to awaken the body, quiet the mind, awaken the sexual
energy, transmute the sexual energy into love energy, and then live in the bliss state. Participants also learn how to be in
the witness consciousness, which allows them to be less critical of themselves and others and to be more present in their
lives and to their partners. These experiences help them to re-experience their original innocence and aliveness. In the
Level 1 Weekend Retreat, you will learn the Cobra Breath, a transformative practice to awaken the third eye chakra
enabling you to see yourself, your relationships and your life more clearly...living in less illusion and delusion.
I offer weekend Ipsalu Retreats and One Day Tantra Events. These are posted on the website on the events page.
Ipsalu Tantra Kriya Yoga was developed by Bodhi Avinasha by combining the art and science of tantra yoga, kriya yoga
and western psychology. It involves techniques to unite spiritual and sexual energies to facilitate the mastery of sexual,
emotional and mental states. Bodhi developed a specific five-step formula that enhances the ability to experience and
move spiritual/sexual energy. The formula consists of techniques to awaken the body, quiet the mind, awaken the sexual
energy, transmute the sexual energy into love energy, and then live in the bliss state. Participants also learn how to be in
the witness consciousness, which allows them to be less critical of themselves and others and to be more present in their
lives and to their partners. These experiences help them to re-experience their original innocence and aliveness. In the
Level 1 Weekend Retreat, you will learn the Cobra Breath, a transformative practice to awaken the third eye chakra
enabling you to see yourself, your relationships and your life more clearly...living in less illusion and delusion.
I offer weekend Ipsalu Retreats and One Day Tantra Events. These are posted on the website on the events page.
Scroll down to read these writings....
- Tantra Retreats and Workshops
- Understanding Ourselves in Intimate Relationships
- War-Torn Hearts
- Judaism and Sexuality